The Fat Chick's Dating Manifesto

Dear Readers

2013-07-03T06:55:00.000-07:00

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Dear Readers,

Just wanted to drop a note apologizing for my long absence. Since the last time I wrote, I've moved across the country (twice) and have begun an intensive training and masters program for my new job/career! It's been intense, to say the least.

I don't know when I'll be blogging again, but I WILL blog again, so hang with me.

Lots of Love,
T to the J

Why I'm Writing This

2012-01-18T09:09:00.000-08:00

I am writing this because no one should wait to date until they achieve their goals.

I am writing this because "this is going to be a year where I focus on myself" is bullshit.

I am writing this because there is nothing wrong with wanting love, admitting it, and making it a goal.

You will spend your life waiting if you wait to start dating until you lose that 5, 10, 15, 150 pounds you need to lose. People don't wait to start dating until they make it big, earn millions, or go sky-diving. Why are you waiting to lose weight?

Instead of hoping that losing weight will make you ready for love, shift your focus. Maybe getting out there in a positive way will make your weight loss easier. Or maybe you don't even want to lose weight. Maybe you are happy the way you are, but just feel that dating as a big girl is fruitless.

Put down your thigh master and read this blog.

Obligatory "Be Yourself" Clause

2010-01-15T00:29:00.000-08:00

Most dating advice pieces will wait until the end to give you this piece of advice, but I'm going to start with it.

Just be yourself.

I always hate reading a list of games I am supposed to play when it comes to dating, and then reading at the end some sort of ridiculous disclaimer (that contradicts the entire article) telling me that the most important thing is to just be myself. Well obviously being myself isn't working too great, now is it, or else I wouldn't be reading this article!

So. I'm telling you now: Be yourself.

But also please try incorporating the following advice into your dating approach so that you can be the best self you can be.

So, fatties. Let's begin.

Prerequisites for Dating as a Big Girl

2010-01-10T00:33:00.000-08:00

1. You must be single, or this advice does not apply to you.
2. You must be looking to date. If you just want sex, this advice does not apply to you (but I'd be glad to give you some advice). Maybe I will write a chapter for hooking up later in this project.

Required Reading: At least 12 consecutive issues of Cosmo magazine, at least 20 profiles of people of the same gender and age as you on the dating website you plan to join, He's Just Not That Into You, Play Or Be Played, At least two books about target marketing and branding, At least two books about job hunting, A "Not For Tourists" guide to your city, Some sort of Chick Lit, like Confessions of a Shopaholic

Required Viewing: Postcards from the Edge, Broadcast News, Hitch, 40 Year Old Virgin, He's Just Not That Into You, Cool Runnings, Legally Blonde, First Wives Club

Things that don't matter: If you've never kissed a guy, If you've screwed 500 guys, If you've never had a serious relationship, If you're on the rebound, If you are super picky about men, If you never want to get married, If you want to get married next week, If you have stretch marks, If your thighs rub together when you walk, If you are frumpy, If you are gay, If you are a guy (The Fat Dude's Dating Manifesto... Happy?)

Get Your Shit Together

2010-01-08T00:45:00.000-08:00

You need to get your mind right.

Stop.

Back away from the computer.

You are not ready for dating yet.

Get your head in the game.

Are you really ready for this?

Sure, you're ready to meet your soul mate. But are you ready for dating? Dating means rejection, wasted time, disappointment, and aggravation. Loneliness does NOT equal readiness.

Are you going to half-ass this?
Dating is a commitment. It means being serious about actually meeting people and putting in the time to meet people. Why pay the money if you aren't going to commit to it? Speaking of which: do not engage in online dating, or active dating of any kind, if you are living paycheck to paycheck.

You need to get your shit together before you start dating. This doesn't mean you have to have a house down payment in the bank. It doesn't mean you have to lose 100 pounds before you start dating. It just means you need to get your shit together. I cannot define that for you. You need to figure out what it means to have your shit together. You don't want to have to wait until your next paycheck to take that hot chick to dinner, right? You don't want to have baby-daddy drama when you meet the right person, right? This is what I mean by get your shit together.

That being said- You're more ready than you think you are. I am going to slap the next person who says that they will join match.com when they lose 50 pounds. Yeah, you've been saying that for three years, lady, so why don't you just join match.com already? I have full confidence that you will lose 50 pounds, and I understand needing to feel right with yourself. But how about feeling right with yourself because you're out there having fun instead of insisting on losing weight before you are right with yourself? You need to LIVE YOUR LIFE. Don't wait. This is the Fat Chick's Dating Manifesto, and yes, I think you should start dating before you lose 50 pounds.

You Need a Maid of Honor

2010-01-05T00:50:00.000-08:00

You need a second. A wing man. A Maid of Honor.

She is going to love you unconditionally. She wants the best for you. She knows you, inside and out. She knows your history. She knows your dreams for the future.

She isn't afraid to be honest with you. And when she is, even if it is harsh, you can take it. You have mutual respect for each other.

She is there for you. She will hold your wedding dress up when you have to pee.

And she will be the shoulder to cry on when dating starts to suck.

Because, believe me, this is going to suck.

Use Your Friends

2010-01-01T05:55:00.000-08:00

This is when you call in the favors for every night you've been the designated driver, every time you've sweat like a pig in the August heat helping your genius friends who wait until the hottest day of the year to move without hiring movers, and for the hours you've spent on the phone listening to your friends complain about the guy they are going to continue to sleep with.

Here is what you need from your Maid of Honor-type friends:

You need them to show you pictures of yourself that are realistic. You need to know what you really look like. When you look at pictures of yourself and you see one where you look fat, you gasp, delete it, and convince yourself that you don't really look like that.

Never underestimate the power of denial.

Yes, you do look like that, and you need your friends to tell you that. I'll never forget the day I got my WA driver's license. I showed it to my brother and complained how horrible driver's licence pictures always are.

"I look nothing like that!!! Do I???"

He hesitated a few seconds.

"Yes."

It was soooooooo harsh. But a wake-up call. He doesn't realize how big of a favor he did for me.

Why do you need to know what you look like?

Because need to know what you are before you start dating. We will get into this more in the next section.

You need them to go through your closet with you and pick out at least five different date outfits. You need their brutal honesty about which clothes give you muffin top or back bulge. I see so many girls with horrible muffin top, or shirts that ride up and expose their stomachs. I know these girls would not be wearing the clothes they are wearing if they realized what they look like. Best Friend, this is where you come in.

You need them to assess your hair, your skin, your nails, and your breath. You need their helpful suggestions of things you can easily change about your physical flaws. Being aware of your flaws going into dating gives you power.

You need help identifying your weaknesses. Seriously. Sit down with them and brainstorm together- on paper- the worst things about yourself and the mistakes you make in relationships. Get their advice for you on dating (but warn them that any advice TJ gives you trumps their bad advice).

You need help identifying what kind of guy you want and deserve. Harder than it sounds.

SORRY!!

2009-12-31T21:28:00.000-08:00

Sorry!!! A lot of shit came up this week, and I won't be able to update this blog for a few days.

Hang in there, fatties. Dating advice is just around the corner.

In the meantime, go shave your legs.

Dress the Part

2009-12-30T01:10:00.000-08:00

I need to preface this section by saying that I am the worst dresser on the face of the planet. I have no clue about fashion. I did not inherit that gene.

But I'm a person who is really good at giving advice to others while simultaneously fucking up my own life.

Let's begin.

Before you begin dating, you need to be prepared wardrobe and appearance-wise.

Here are staples that belong in your closet. You don't want to be scrambling at the last minute when the occasion arises to wear one of these items. Shopping at the last minute equals paying too much and settling for something you aren't crazy about.

-At least one Little Black Dress (Or, okay, Big Black Dress)
-At least one shawl to cover your flabby arms if your LBD/BBD doesn't already cover them
-At least one fully supportive strapless bra
-At least five super supportive normal bras-- get a friend's opinion
-At least five pairs of sexy panties that fit you
-At least two pairs of jeans that actually look good on you
-Classy shoes that are sexy but that you can walk in
-A plethora of tops that flatter your body

Little(Big) Black Dress
I think they key to finding a good BBD is a) knowing what shape flatters your body and b) accepting that the dress itself will not cover what you want it to cover. I used to go crazy trying to find dresses that weren't sleeveless. I was left with ugly two-piece mother-of-the-bride dresses (mothers-of-the-brides, you should revolt) and mumu jumpers. So. Just find a cute sleeveless or spaghetti strap dress that is the right length and then find a good cover up/shawl/sweater to wear over it. This also gives you the flexibility to dress up or down the dress. I think that JC Penny carries some of the best plus-size BBDs.

Bras
My best advice for bra shopping is: be patient. And your bra should make your boobs look good with your clothes on. Bras that you look good in naked are great, but bras that make your girls look good in your clothes are worth the pain of bras.

Panties
There are basically four kinds. Boy shorts. Thongs. Bikinis. Grandmas. Pick the one that looks best on you. Find ones that fit. Simple is good. Wal-mart thongs are just as sexy as Victoria's Secret thongs and are like two bucks. And you can scan them yourself in the self checkout aisle. I'm just saying.

Jeans
I have a lot to say about jeans. I cannot stand girls that wear jeans that don't fit them. I KNOW I AM GUILTY OF THIS, so just shut up. We're talking about YOU. If you are having to pull your effing pants up every three minutes, your jeans don't fit. If you are having to pull a wedgie out when you stand up, your jeans don't fit. If your jeans are too long and drag on the ground, your jeans don't fit. If you have muffin top, or if people can see your undies or your crack when you bend over, your jeans don't fit.

Balance is the key. They need to control your stomach, enhance your ass, and give you balance. Nothing is more irritating to me than a fat chick who is all big on top and waddling around in tiny heels. Flare leg and boot cut jeans are your friends. Skinny jeans are the enemy. Here is a picture that kind of explains this pet peeve:

I don't think this cut of jeans flatters a plus-size woman, in general. Skinny jeans: NOOOOOO!!!!!

Here is the better option for you, ladies.

When you are buying jeans, get a pair that fits relatively well (should not be loose, should cling a little-- NOT TIGHT!). Then take them to the tailor on the corner of your street and get them tailored for 20 bucks. Seriously. I don't care if you think you are going to lose enough weight next week to need smaller jeans. 20 bucks. Tailor. Go. Right now.

Also, dark denim. NOT black. Dark blue. That's your only option.

Muffin Top

Bad Muffin Top

Good Muffin Top

You must control muffin top at its source: your jeans. But your PANTIES can also cause muffin top. Seriously. You gotta get a full-length mirror and examine this shit. I am not joking!!! Yes, this is a tedious process. But won't it be nice to go out feeling confident and not having to hike up your GD pants every two seconds on a date?!?!?

Muffin top might not exist while you are standing in the mirror. Slouch down. Sit down. Observe. Make adjustments. Get looser panties. Get better pants.

There is always going to be a LITTLE BIT of muffin top, even if you are the skinniest be-yotch on the face of the planet. This must be controlled with your shirt. Read on.

Shoes
You need to think classy. All black heels, for the most part, are sexy. I don't want to see platforms. I don't want to see straps. I don't want to see toes. I don't want to see stiletto. I don't want to see 3 inches or more. Your shoes need to balance you out. You don't want heels that are too delicate. Make sense? But, heels are one way to really add sexiness and confidence. So just go black, comfy, stable, and classy. DSW. JC Penny. Goodwill. Yes, I buy shoes at thrift stores. See footnote.

Tops
Your tops are very important. For most dates, your bottom half is hidden below a table. Your top should NOT accentuate muffin top. It needs to conceal. It needs to conceal your boobs. It needs to conceal your stomach. Your shoulders. Your arms. And draw attention up to your GORGEOUS face.

----But what if I have great boobs?

I don't care. I think cleavage on fat girls is really trashy. I'm sorry. Even the tiniest bit of cleave. Especially when you are first dating. I think the best skin a fat chick can show is her calves. I think you should go with one body part and one body part only when showing skin. If your calves suck, fine, go with something else, but that something else better not be your chest. If you insist on showing off your chest, do it under your clothes. Trust me, no guy has ever NOT noticed my tits, and I don't show cleave.

I think the single best shirt a fat chick can wear on a date is a button-up crisp cotton collared shirt. The kinds that are fitted for curvy women are awesome. Leave it buttoned low, but NO CLEAVE. MAYBE a high-cut cami peeking out, but no lace.

There is a clothing trend of these loose, thin knit tops. They are cheap material and cling to your rolls.

Take this model:

Look at how much better she looks in the button up. You can see her muffin top in the white cotton top.

I wouldn't have dressed her in either of these outfits, but you get my drift.

Here are my rules for fat chicks:
-Don't go back from black. Black is flattering. This isn't going to change.
-Collars, almost always, look good on you. Pick shirts with collars. Seriously.
-Choose thick or stiff material. Thin, flowy, NO-Y!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-LONG shirts. Do you know how you can tell if your shirt doesn't fit? If you keep having to pull it down every three seconds. DO NOT buy a shirt that isn't long enough. Yes, this means you will have to painfully pass up lots of really fantastic-looking tops. Oh f-ing well.

THRIFT STORES
I will argue until I am blue in the face why thrift stores are the place to shop for fat chicks. Here's my argument:

1. In most low-end discount stores, like Ross, clothes are made of cheap, thin, flowy material that does not look good on anybody.

2. In most low-end stores, plus-size clothing fails in one of two ways:
a. It is the exact same cut of an outfit for a skinny chick, but in a bigger size. It will not look good on you.
b. It is hideously ugly, in a floral print, and was designed by someone who hates fat people.

3. Great plus-size clothing is usually very expensive and very difficult to find.

4. There are a lot of stores that have very small pluz-size sections. A thrift store is one store with a HUGE plus-size section.

Here's why thrift stores are great:

1. Women who are big are either gaining weight or losing weight. They are ALWAYS getting rid of their clothes.

2. You can browse a wide variety of cuts, colors, styles in one place. You can get high-end clothing for a steal, often with the tags still attached.

3. You can tailor or alter the clothing you buy in thrift stores without wanting to kill yourself if you mess up.

4. If you change your mind, or grow out of it next week, you can just donate it back to the same place for some other poor fat girl.

Here are my tips for shopping at thrift stores:
1. Find thrift stores that carry a good selection of plus-size clothing. Goodwill? No. Value Village? Hell yes.

2. Go regularly. That means once a week. Carry a list with you of the things you need to add to your wardrobe. Be patient. The inventory in these stores changes rapidly. It's about luck and persistence.

3. Stick to your standards. Don't be swayed by getting really close to perfect, or by a cheap price tag. If it doesn't fit, or if you don't love it, don't buy it.

4. Get a second opinion when you get home. Yes, you can return and exchange clothes in a thrift store. I know that sounds sooooooo trashy, but oh well. I'd rather be trashy on this end of things than on the date end of things.

5. Shop in the men's section. Sometimes you can find great stuff over there.

6. Go outside your comfort zone. Try a crazy color or a skirt.

7. Go for shoes. I am not kidding. I KNOW this sounds gross. I don't care! You should SEE the high quality and almost unused shoes you can find in a thrift store. Average of 7 bucks a pop for hundred dollar shoes. You can tell if they are gross and used or not. When I donate shoes to Goodwill, they are usually shoes I never wore. So, once you settle on a pair of shoes that are in good condition, take them home. Spray them with Lysol. Wipe them out. Let them air dry. Spray them with Lysol again. Do not wipe. Let air dry. Put in a freezer bag. Freeze overnight in your freezer. Remove. Spray with Lysol. Let air dry. Bacteria gone.

The clothes and shoes I have that people comment the most on are clothes and shoes I bought at thrift stores. Girls at work who will only buy "seven" jeans ask me where I bought my shoes, and I tell them I can't remember. Of course I f-ing remember. I got them at Goodwill.

Underwear and bras are the only thing I won't buy at Goodwill, I guess. Then again, I used to say I would never buy shoes there...

Let's not go there.

Get an Intern
Not kidding. The best way to solve a problem is to get an eager young schmuck to solve it for you for free. Think about how many youngins' want to break into the fashion or life coach industries. Put an ad on Craigslist saying you are offering an unpaid internship in exchange for before/after pics and testimonial. You'd be surprised what kind of personal shopping or stylist help you can find. Also hit up universities. You're welcome.

Know and Own What You Really Are

2009-12-29T20:44:00.000-08:00

Know who you are. Own what you are.

By this point, you've already had a friend you trust and love show you what you really look like.

Now get comfortable with it. Imagine yourself appearing as you looked in bad photos, not how you hope you look. Just get used to it. Accept that that is what you look like, and realize you've gotten by this far like that.

Now, put on your birthday suit and leave it on.

Don't just sleep naked. Don't just shame-dash to your bedroom after a shower.

Watch TV naked. Cook and eat dinner naked. Pay your bills.

Write in your blog.

Know Your Other Flaws

2009-12-28T20:48:00.000-08:00

It is important to know your flaws that don't relate to your weight.

If you are too focused on your weight, you are going to assume that every guy that rejects you is rejecting you because you are fat.

In reality, it could also be because you have a lousy personality.

Don't you feel better already?

Stop Listening to Your Friends

2009-12-20T06:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, so you know how before I told you to seek advice from your friends?

Yeah, advice time is over.

They've given you insight into yourself and your appearance, and that's where the advice train ends.

Who cares if they think you should start dating?

Do not - I repeat! - do not ask your friends for advice on whether or not you are ready to date. In fact, don't even tell them.

If you do tell them, responses may surprise you. Some may be fake excitement, some may be blatant disagreement, some may be insulting excitement.

Press the mute button.

You've already decided you are ready to date.

Oh, and for the love of God, don't tell your parents. Yet.

Now It's Time to Actually Start Dating

2009-11-30T22:46:00.000-08:00

Yup. You're ready.

No great love story ever started with, "I met my husband off the internet". In fact, no great humping story ever began with, "I met the hot chick I'm screwing off the internet." But ya know what? No great story ever began with "I sat on my ass at home and didn't make an effort to meet people and now I'm getting laid and in love, thanks to no effort whatsoever."

I am making online dating a requirement. For you. Yes, you.

I am also making offline dating a requirement. For you. Yes, you.

You must do both. Putting yourself out there is a good thing to do. Trust me. You gotta put yourself out there in every way possible. I really hope when it's all said and done you will have a great story to tell the grand kids, but you ain't never gonna have no grand kids if you don't get off your ass and take control.

My advice is going to start jumping around a bit, but just hang in there and read everything I have to say.

Ready, Set, Internet

2009-11-01T22:51:00.000-08:00

I'm going to break down some of the top dating websites based on my experience and on what I know about them, and my suggestions. Feel free to disagree.

I think it's important to do your homework ahead of time, but at the end of the day you just gotta pick one (or two or three). If the first doesn't work out, keep going.

Things to know before you start:

1. Online dating websites are businesses, and the longer you stay single the more money they make.

2. Dating websites pad their membership to make it look like they have more active daters than they actually do. They also have fake members who will fish for you. Example? I recently created a free profile on www.match.com in order to look at a buddy's profile to give him advice. No picture and no info on my profile. And yet I have had like 30 views and somebody e-mailed me, and another person winked at me. Really? Sounds like match.com is trying to get me to join to see who e-mailed me.

3. You have power as a consumer, and many states have a buyer's remorse period. If you are in Denver and you join match.com and decide after three days that it isn't for you, you can call match.com and they legally must refund your money. Though I live in a state with no buyer's remorse law, I still called match.com and asked for a refund. The guy had to ask his manager, but they did it. Why? Because they know that when I am ready to start dating I'll be back. See number 1.

4. Because they are a business, they do want you to have some success. If you call e-harmony a live person will help you with your profile for free.

5. There are dating websites that pull profiles from other dating websites, so be sure you are going to a site with its own members instead of just globs of the same people who are on every other site.

6. You get what you pay for. I primarily use free dating websites. I am single. And haven't had sex in about 15 years.

7. If you aren't quite ready to start online dating yet, now is the perfect time for you to join an online dating website. Almost all, if not all, dating websites offer a free option (a way for them to have more profiles on their site to make it look bigger than it is!). The free option lets you have a profile and allows you to view other profiles, but not to contact other members or read contact from other members (so if a really cool person doesn't respond to your e-mail on a dating website, it is safe to assume that person is not a paying member and doesn't even know you e-mailed them). THE POINT IS: Once you join as a free member, you will often get special deals from the dating website. Especially e-Harmony. If you don't join within a month, they lower their rate. So just sign up and wait it out- you might end up getting a pretty good deal.

Without further ado, my reviews:

Free Dating Websites

Plenty of Fish- Plenty of Fish is the most basic free dating website (except Craigslist). There is a LARGE pool of people to choose from on this website, and the provided demographic information in each profile is quite helpful. There is a wide range of people on this site, but I would say it is dominated by less-educated people in more blue collar jobs. This is a great website to get your feet wet with online dating. But don't get discouraged, you can meet some great people on here! As a BBW, this is a GREAT website, and I would tell any bigger man/woman to start here first before paying for any website.

okCupid- okCupid is a much better free dating website (based on the usability of the website) than Plenty of Fish. Much fewer members, but a better online experience. The website itself is actually better, in my opinion, than match.com. It is shocking that this site is free. The profiles give very good prompts and even the most boring of people seem to write excellent profiles. There are also a lot of quirky personality quizzes you can take for fun that match you to people. If you like doing all those stupid quizzes on facebook, this may be the dating website for you. Bonus, it's not just for dating. I have actually met girlfriends off here! As far as being BBW friendly, I would say this website is comparable to match.com. I have never had a date off of here and have been contacted only a handful of times. Even my hot thin friends have had similar experiences. But it's free, so get a damn profile on there. You have nothing to lose!

LavaLife- ADULT! LavaLife has a very weird vibe. It is trying to be everything to everybody-- it's like AdultFriendFinder and e-Harmony all in one. Seriously. It's for people who want to get married, but who would settle for a one-night-stand gang bang. The site is broken up into three areas: dating, casual encounters, and "I Want To Get Married Tomorrow". It's been a long time since I was on here, but the majority of contacts I got were either from guys in my town who just wanted to screw, or from guys who lived over a thousand miles away who wanted to get married. I do not recommend this website for anyone, regardless of size. Feel free to disagree with me- maybe I'm missing something. When I used it, I think it was free, but I'm pretty sure it costs money now.

Match.com- Match is your basic dating website, and would probably be my first suggestion for a paid site, although I don't think it is great for BBWs. It's a younger crowd-- perfect for late 20's to late 30's. Tends to be mostly college-educated, working professionals. There are "real" people on this website, but I would say the trend is towards good-looking and fit. You can be big and date on here, but just know that you are going to have a very small of people from which to choose who would actually consider dating a bigger woman. Because of the cost of the site, you have to weigh your options. Is it worth the price for a very small dating pool? I recommend trying it for one month, and really focusing on that month and getting as much as you can out of it. I also want to talk to you about profile strategies for you-- but we will talk about that later. Oh, also, I think the people on this website, IN GENERAL, are less serious. Lots of people just wanting to date around and hook up. "Dating" is exactly how I would describe this website.

Yahoo Personals- Yahoo Personals is a lot like match, but targeted, in my opinion, towards a less tech-savvy and hip older crowd. I would tell my mom to use Yahoo Personals, not Match. I cannot speak to the use of this website as a BBW. IF you give me 40 bones, I'll try it for a month and report back.

e-Harmony- Ohhhhh, e-Harmony. I do NOT recommend e-Harmony as a first step into the dating world as a BBW, even if you ARE ready to get married. e-Harmony isn't for people who want to "date". e-Harmony is for people who are ready to go straight into a committed and long-term relationship. It is a very structured approach to dating. Instead of searching through a bank of profiles based on criteria that you select, you take a personality assessment and e-Harmony delivers matches to you. You cannot just e-mail these people-- you have to answer set questions provided by the website and go through a guided process before you can chat with the person. I personally did not like this, but some people do. However, since you are new at BBW dating, I want you to try a site that is more loose and open. I want you to get a bunch of dates under your belt. It's about quantity right now. e-Harmony gives too much build-up so that when you finally get to the open communication stage and you get rejected, you are going to feel it is solely because of your size. Does that make sense? Also, e-Harmony does not support same-sex matches, so for heteros only. Also, they "reject" 25% of their applicants (meaning if you seem unstable or unready based on the personality assessment you take, they will tell you that you cannot join). I have to respect a website that would turn away business. They could easily take your money and business, but they ethically turn you away if they are unable to match you. Kudos. Shockingly, despite their rigorous screening process, there are an awful lot of crazies on there.

Craigslist- YES, I am recommending Craigslist! Craigslist is an EXCELLENT place to date. It is very tedious, though, so you just have to be patient. It's like reading personal ads in a newspaper, not like browsing profiles on a dating website. So you have to be patient, you have to be committed to reading a lot, and you have to be committed to a long process of e-mailing back and forth to get to know someone on the same level as you would know them at one glance on a normal dating website. Make sure you select the correct category. Casual encounters means SEX. Dating means dating, or SEX. Other means SEX. Platonic means SEX. ;) When posting a profile on there, do NOT put up a picture! Actually, put up a picture, but just or something funny. NOT of your face! You can send people pictures once you get to the e-mailing stage, but only decent pictures. The second you send someone a dirty pic it's going to be all over the internet. My biggest problem with Craigslist is that people e-mail you but don't want to send a picture. Yeah, it's a risk. You are sending a picture to a faceless stranger. But if you aren't willing to take this risk, don't be on Craigslist. I don't bullshit or waste my time dicking around with idiots on Craigslist. If they don't meet my stated criteria, or can't follow simple instructions, NEXT! If you are posting the profile, you have the upper hand. I see it as you being the employer, and they are applying for a job. THEY send YOU their resume (picture). Then you send yours back if they meet your approval. If someone responds to MY ad demanding to see a picture, they are ignored. I weed them out, they don't weed me out. I will probably have a section later about how to write a Craigslist personal. I'm pretty f-ing good at it. I average 50 to 100 responses an ad, and most of my ads get flagged within 24 hours. Oh, and if you are a BBW, Craigslist is PERFECT for you. 80% of the women who date on there are BBWs, so men expect it. And you can be totally up front... I always put that I am a fat ass in my headline. It works in my favor. I've met some SUPER high quality people off Craigslist. You wouldn't BELIEVE the kinds of people that use this. Think bored VPs who are sitting at their desks at work all day with nothing to do. Think Cornell PhD graduates who are waiting for their tee times. Seriously. (You're also going to get a lot of homeless crackheads who are surfing Craigslist from a computer at the public library, but eh, ya win some, ya lose some--- I didn't say using Craigslist wouldn't be time consuming).

BlackPlanet- I'm going to talk about something that everyone else is afraid to talk about. And that is the issue of race and dating, especially as it relates to dating as a fat chick. There is tension in our society because people don't talk about these issues. I'm not afraid to talk about it. In fact, I will probably have a whole section on this later. Anyway, you probably have certain fetishes you are into it. God, it could be anything. Nerdy guys. Guys with British accents. Skinny guys. Older guys. Black guys. So TARGET your search. If you like black guys, where online will you meet a lot of black guys? You will meet a lot of black men on BlackPlanet, which is basically a social networking site (like MySpace) for black people and the people who love them. There is a dating portion of the site, but having a normal profile on there will suffice. I'm using BP as an example because it is a site I use and have had success with. There are plenty of other specific websites that you can find that target people of whatever group you like. I like BP because it is free. Also, black men who like white women also gravitate towards this site because they know that white chicks are going to join this site to specifically find black men. See how it works? Yes, don't you just hate seeing a hot black guy with a fat white chick? Yeah. We should talk about that. Because it is definitely a societal issue that isn't as openly discussed as it should be. Stay tuned.

BBW Dating Websites- I'm gonna need you guys to help me with this one. I am very turned off by dating websites that cater to BBWs. They are also quite expensive. Any thoughts from anybody who has actually tried one?

Field Research

2009-10-31T09:55:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I need to start dating again in order to properly do this project, so I'm now on okCupid, Plenty of Fish, and have an ad on Craigslist. Contemplating joining a pay BBW site.

No dates yet. But talking to a few guys.

Stop Listening to Bad Advice

2009-10-30T00:56:00.000-07:00

I am now going to give you advice that directly contradicts all the dating advice you have ever heard.

Trust me.

Don't be open-minded. As fat women, we are told that we need to loosen our standards. We should be okay with dating overweight men. Or, as many of my friends would see it, unemployed, uneducated, drug-addicted, psychotic men. Are you fucking kidding me? No. As a fat woman, you should date who you want to date. You should NOT lower your standards. Ever. Everyone, regardless of who they are, deserves to date who they want to date. Do I think you should be open minded? Yes. Do I think you need to get over your “type”? Yes. But do I think you should settle for a guy who does not meet your dating criteria simply because you've knocked yourself down a few leagues because you think you're too fat? No. Don't settle. Don't open your mind.

Don't put up a flattering picture of yourself. No no no no no no no. This is the number one most terminal mistake people make with online dating. I want you to put up the ugliest, most disgusting picture of yourself. The picture where you look fat as fuck. I'm serious. Put it up there. And put a BUNCH of pictures up there. Check with your friends. You are the worst judge of the realism of your own pictures. Your pictures should be, at minimum, realistic. But err on the side of worse than real. Other articles will tell you to black and white your picture, to take it from a high angle, to take it with a soft lens. Yeah, that's fucking great, but the guy isn't going to meet you in black and white and from an angle that hides your chins. When you meet this guy, you want him to be pleasantly surprised, not shocked and pissed. The first words you hear from this guy's mouth will be, “Wow! Your picture does not do you justice!” Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. That wasn't an accident.

Downplay your strengths. Yes, I said it. You bring a lot to the table, and, more than likely, you are not looking for a partner to bring more to the table than you do. It's only natural that many people will overlook your virtues as they peruse square inch head shots on match.com and put you in the fat box. That's ok. Someone worthwhile will find your profile. Let your awesomeness speak for itself. Too often, fat women feel the need to overcompensate for their shortcomings. Why do you think so many of us are fucking hilarious? Ahhh yes... the Funny Fat Chick Syndrome. So yeah, be funny. But just relax and be low-profile about how awesome you are. Nothing is worse than a fat chick working too hard to prove herself.

Tell people that you wish you had a boyfriend. Your sorority sisters, Cosmo magazine, and your shrink would all disagree. In this day and age, it is gender sabotage to actually admit that you hate being single (and yet, somehow, a book like “The Rules” is allowed to roam free at Barnes and Noble). People are always saying, “You'll find love when you least expect it, “ or “You'll find love when you stop looking”. Yeah, this isn't Anne of Green Gables. This is 2010 and you absolutely need to be looking. This brings me back to my mantra of “owning it”. You want a boyfriend. Good for you. Welcome to 95% of the human race.

Tell everyone you know that you are looking. Not in a desperate “I need a boyfriend” kind of way. More of in a “I want to meet new people” kind of way. Most people love playing matchmaker, and having a good reference going into a date gives you a thunder-thigh up on your online-dating competition.

The more people you tell, the more likely you are to get fixed up on a date. So network your fat ass off, girl. You know that annoying aunt who is always trying to hook you up with the accounts payable guy at her company? Yeah, you want that. Times 100.

Dating is like finding a job.

Stop trying to appeal to your target. I know, this from the mouth of someone who thinks EVERYTHING should follow the principles of target marketing. But seriously. Stop. I read through 20 match.com profiles the other night and every single chick (every chick) had at least two sentences in there about how much she loves sports. I even noticed that my own profile mentioned my love for sports (is playing Mahjong a sport?). Why are we trying to get guys to notice us by being like guys? I read a couple books recently that suggested brushing up on sports trivia and football rules in order to make yourself more date-able. Yeah. I'll do that as soon as the guys on my block start practicing chick flick trivia and memorizing the fashion trends of the last decade.

Guys don't try to get super interested in chick things. Why do you think that is?

Instead of investing time in learning the passions of men, why don't you invest time in your own passions and hobbies?

Become monogamous with your vibrator. While you are dating, I command you to get it out of your system. Alone. It can be super exciting when you first start dating again. You're owning it. You're loving yourself. This new confidence is wonderful, and allows you to be totally free because you ROCK. Unfortunately, that freedom is going to make you comfortable with witty sexual banter, divulging your fetishes, and rounding home plate far too soon. I don't know the answer to the question “How long should I wait to sleep with a guy?” But I know what the answer isn't, and the answer isn't “on the first date”. The less you talk about it, the less of an expectation there will be to follow through on it. Protect yourself- many guys prey on you because they think you're easy. You probably are, so trying really hard to cover it up from day one will work to your advantage. I'm not about playing games, but in the modern world of dating, sex is a very powerful weapon. TAKE SEX OFF THE TABLE. The only kind of sex you're going to be having for a while is the battery-operated kind.

Be vulnerable. Yeah, you gotta put yourself out there, bucko. I'm serious. Yeah, you're gonna get rejected. Yeah, you're gonna get hurt (please see “Are You Ready To Date” section above). But you've GOT to open yourself up to this. I see way too many fat women trying to date and protect themselves at the same time. These fatties bone up and are too confident. They are too hard. They are too tough. They become overly dominant in order to maintain control over what can break through to their already broken hearts. This is very very very very very common in fat women. We are all kind of bitches, really. We used to be nice. We also used to be a size 10. So, women, listen up: Just relax. Be submissive for a change. I'm serious. Submissive. You don't have to control everything. You don't have to stand up for yourself all the time. You don't have to prevent harm. You don't have to overcompensate for your fear of rejection. Just go with the flow. Let him in.

Online Profile How-To

2009-10-29T09:58:00.000-07:00

Your user name.
Definitely pick something anonymous. Seriously. Don't even use your first name. It would be cool if you could think of something original, although your user name isn't super important. Pick a funny nickname, or characteristic you have. Don't use a celebrity name. Don't call yourself "Don Juan" or "007" or "Casanova" or "Juliet"- unless you want me to smack you. I don't know how to explain how to find a user name-- one will just come to you. I suggest spending a few hours thinking about it. Step away from the computer and brainstorm. But just sign up already- user name not important.

Start with your pictures.
You need to have a minimum of five pictures of yourself for an online dating profile. And I don't mean pictures all from the same photo session. Five pictures taken on five different occasions. Here are the pictures you need:

A good head shot- This should be a clear, semi-professional picture. It should be realistic-looking, but will also be your most flattering picture on your profile. It should be a color photo. Top of shoulders up. SMILING. Looking directly at camera. This is going to be your main profile photo and should be eye-catching as a thumbnail.
A full-body shot- We need to see the whole enchilada. I don't want any black and white flattering body pics. Let's see a little muffin top. You do NOT want a guy to be surprised when he meets you off the internet. That is the purpose of the full body shot.
A really really really bad picture of you- Chins. Pimples. Bulge. Bad hair day. We want to see how bad it gets. Most people overlook this and don't post a picture like this. The worse he thinks you look going into a date, the more happy he will be when he actually meets you. Don't worry- you've got the hot head shot as your main pic-- so you guys are already seeing how great you look.
A candid picture of you doing something corny and fun. This makes you look like a fun person, even though you probably aren't. But putting up a picture of yourself blobbing out in front of a TV doesn't make you look fun, even though you would probably do that than whatever it is your are doing in the picture you are going to post.
A "target demographic" photo. Okay, so I attract a lot of college guys in my profiles. Why? Because I look like a college kid in all my pics. Me in a t-shirt of fleece jacket. That's all I ever wear, and so that's all the pictures I have. But I want to attract older guys with professional jobs. I have a professional job and I play dress-up for work. So what do I do? I get a picture of me in a business suit. I hardly ever wear suits, but I need to convey to people online who I am. I am a professional and I wear professional clothes every day. Professional guys are going to get a better picture of me online if they see me in professional clothing. So the point is, think about who you are trying to attract. Guys into sports? Let's see you in a jersey at a game. Geeks? Let's see you in your Star Wars outfit.

The more pictures you post, the better. He will get a more complete picture of you, your personality, and what you really look like. If you see a bad picture of yourself, and you're like "I look bad in that picture!", stop. Your goal of online dating is to meet people, and when you meet people, they tend to be able to see you, unless they are blind. So put up real pics. If it scares people away, so be it. Wouldn't you rather them be scared away in the first place rather going through the trouble of meeting them and then getting rejected in person??! Please find a trusted friend and show her all your pics. Ask her honest opinion-- do these, as a whole, accurately reflect what I look like? Are these realistic pictures? It's okay to have some good shots in there, but I want all of your pictures to be recent and realistic. If you are uncomfortable with yourself in bad pictures, I need to you get comfortable with it. You are what you are. You look how you look.

Your Headline.
Keep it simple. Do not agonize over this. Most people are clicking on your profile based on your picture. Wait, all people are clicking on your profile based on the picture. The headline might make them chuckle, or if you have a good one it might make them give you a chance if you're ugly, but a bad one isn't going to scare anyone away. Everyone who is on an online dating website knows how hard it is to write a profile. As long as you put effort into your profile and actually write a complete profile, you're way ahead of the game.

Here are some common approaches to headlines. I think they are all okay. I'm sure some will argue for or against them. My opinion is that all of these make acceptable headlines.

Now that I'm doing the online dating thing again, I will try to find some examples of all of these and come back. I might even pull some examples of great profiles and post them in my next post.

Pick a pop culture reference- No, not something obscure. Pick a line from your favorite movie or song and make a joke about it or reference it in some way.
Summarize yourself in one sentence- Try to be creative. Imagine you are an ad agency and you are trying to market YOU. What is your brand slogan? What is your tagline?
Pick your motto or a quote- What is your life motto or philosophy? Do you have a funny quote or inspirational quote you live by? I think these make good headlines.

Don't over think your headline. A headline is not a deal-breaker.

When they make you pick adjectives.
Some dating websites make you pick three adjectives that describe you. Spend more time on this. If you need to, google "personality traits" and pick three good (but original) ones. I don't want to see "fun", "nice", "smart". I'd rather see "playful", "a pushover", or "nerderiffic". Do you know what I mean? Pick three of your qualities (good qualities) and find the best words you can to encompass those qualities.

When they make you answer demographic questions.
Do you want kids? What religion are you? How much money do you make? Yes, these are things I want to share with complete strangers... I don't think you should over think this section. I think the key is being honest. Don't try to guess what a potential match wants to hear... just answer with the truth. If you don't know, or if you don't feel comfortable answering, it's okay to leave it blank. Try to understand the reasoning behind asking each question. Even though I HATE that dating sites ask how much I make, I understand why they do. Someone who makes 50 grand a year might want to date people within their salary rather than someone who makes 20. It would be hard to date someone who didn't have the same amount of money because they wouldn't be able to do the same activities that you could afford to do. Anyway, just be honest, and stay within your comfort zone. I do suggest that you answer as many questions as you can, though. Yeah, you're putting yourself out there. But you are also giving someone a more complete picture of who you are and what you want.

When they make you answer questions about the demographics you want.
This is a more important section, in my opinion. I ALWAYS check this part out first. I think you need to balance honesty with the impression you want to make. Okay, here's an example, and I'm putting myself out there by saying this, so please do not judge me, okay? I'm into all people, but I am really attracted to bigger guys or buff guys. I don't like skinny guys. But I don't put that on my profile. I check the boxes next to all the body types-- for two reasons. One, what does it say about me if I am so closed-minded that I wouldn't consider dating a skinny guy? I think it makes me seem too picky to actually admit that on my profile, even if it is true. However, think about your deal breakers. For me, education is a really important quality for someone. I am open minded and would give almost anyone a chance, but I do specify on my profile that I am looking for someone college educated. I am not afraid to state that preference because I feel so strongly about it.

BEWARE: You might think, who cares if I piss off an uneducated or skinny person? I'm not afraid to admit this because I don't care if I offend people I'm not trying to attract. But think about it--- what if an educated of buff guy sees how picky you are and is turned off by that?

I'm not saying don't be honest. I'm saying that by stating your closed mindedness is actually helping you be more closed minded. Consider dating outside your box, and consider being more open on your profile.

Even when I lose weight, if a guy has checked on his profile that he is only into "fit" or "skinny" women, I will move on and not contact him because I can't stand guys who are so shallow. Does this make sense??? I hope so.

Answering open-ended questions.
The secret to answering these is to be specific and to understand why the question is being asked. They aren't asking you what the last book you read was because we care what the last book you read was. They are asking you that because it is just another way to see your personality in your last book selection. Therefore, you aren't actually going to put what the last book you read was. These questions aren't about honesty, they are about honestly portraying who you are. So you are going to pick a book you read that shows your personality. Does this make sense?

Okay, here's some examples:

What is your job?

Bad response: Salesman
Better response: I con soccer moms into spending their allowance on used mini-vans as a used car salesman. Bumper stickers with stick figures of each family member not included.

For fun:

Bad response: I love soccer, dancing, and golf.
Better response: Maybe the soccer moms are wearing me down, because there's nothing I love better on a summer afternoon than to head to City Park and kick around a "futbol". If it's raining, I'll head to Dave and Buster's to play virtual golf (they don't let me play on actual courses anymore).

Favorite things:

Bad response: Eating out, sports, movies, reading
Better response: Dirty, health-department hazard, hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurants; getting drunk and watching millionaires play sports; a good horror flick (the more fake blood the better); curling up with the New York Times (and skipping straight to the horoscopes section)

Are you starting to see how a little detail goes a long way? Don't tell me what you like to do. SHOW ME. Don't give me your work title. Explain what you do for a living. Don't give me a list of generic hobbies. Make me want to share them with you.

You don't have to be funny in this section. A lot of people worry about this. There is tough competition- there are many hilariously gifted profile writers out there, and it can be intimidating to try to stack up. Even the most hilarious people sometimes have a hard time making that humor translate into an online dating profile, though, so just relax. Being funny isn't your goal. Being clever isn't your goal. Your goal is just to honestly describe who you are and what you like. DESCRIBE. Not list.

And you don't have to write a novel. Give three examples for each question. Your list of hobbies doesn't have to be all-encompassing-- just pick a few!

The meat.
Now it's time to get to the meat of your profile- the essay question. You hated them in college, and you still hate them. And yet it is a necessity of an online profile.

About me. That's what they call this evil section.

Things not to do:

1. Don't bitch about it.
Don't say, "this is so hard", or "I'm not good at this", or "I hate doing this". Bla bla bla! Yeah, it's hard for everyone! No, you aren't good at this, especially because you just said you aren't good at this. And yes, we all hate doing this. So SHUT UP and don't say shit like that in your profile. Don't say "you are new at this" or "this is your first time doing this". Don't care. The title of the section is "About me", not "why I'm a whiny baby".

2. Don't use generic adjectives.
The section is called "About me". It's not called "generic adjectives that describe me". I don't want to see any lists. I don't want to know that you are "nice, funny, and hard-working". This isn't a cover letter. I don't want buzz words. And really? You're nice? You're funny? You like to have fun? You like to laugh? Look at what you are writing! If what you are apply could apply to more than half your friends, it doesn't belong in your profile! WHY are you funny? HOW are you nice? Okay, you like to have fun. WHAT is fun for you?

3. Don't write less than two paragraphs.
It shows a lack of effort and will make most quality people say "next!"

4. Don't write more than five paragraphs.
Less is more. You want to make it snappy, get your point across, and make them NEED to e-mail you to learn more. Nobody wants to read a novel. Your profile is the 15th profile he is reading that night. His attention span is not going to take him through five paragraphs of you blathering on about your purse dog.

5. Never talk about your flaws.
This is a tricky one. A lot of people (myself included) will put in disclaimers and "fair warnings". I used to put in an "I'm fat" disclaimer. I am now banning this. Pointing out your flaws, even in a funny, self-deprecating way, makes you seem negative. I've never seen an ad for a Snicker's Bar that said "delicious, but will go straight to your thighs and might give you gas". Your online profile is an advertisement for YOU.

6. Don't talk about how much you hate online dating or how many losers you've met.
I don't want to go out with someone who bitches about all the losers she attracts, who is already bitter and jaded about dating, etc.

7. Don't state the obvious.
Please don't say things like, "Well, there is a lot more to me than what is written here". Duh!

Go online and read as many profiles as you can and you will start to see the above mistakes and how they cast the people who make them. I think you will agree that they should be avoided.

Here are the things you should do:

1. If you need structure, give yourself structure.
Seriously. Outline what you want to say. Here is your outline.

Introduction- clever intro about who you are.
Paragraph one- Who are you? What are you like?
Paragraph two- What are you looking for?
Closing- Make me want you- why should I e-mail you?

2. Don't forget to be specific.
Specific specific specific. Details. DEEEEEEEETAAAAAAILS.

3. Tell people secrets!
Giving random facts and confiding in your audience makes for a really interesting profile.

Okay, so that is my general advice for a profile, I have more but I will give it later. Right now I'm going to find some good and bad examples of profiles and put them in my next post, okay?

Special Profile Issues for Fatties

2009-10-08T16:43:00.000-07:00

Most dating websites rely on a search or browse feature to get your profile exposure. A lot of them will give you matches, but most of the traffic coming to your profile is going to be from people doing a search based on criteria.

And so we come to the fork in the road. "Quantity" or "Quality"?

Picture your dream guy. He's sitting at his computer. He is on match.com. He is about to do a search to try to narrow down the 10 thousand women in his city in order to find the one.

He selects a few criteria that are important to him. Maybe he wants her to have a college degree. Maybe he wants someone without kids.

He comes to the box that we dread the most. There it is. "Body Type".

He ponders a moment and checks "average" and "fit". Cuz who wouldn't be into a fit chick? Or an average chick? He pauses and then clicks "slender", because slender is good. He ponders a few moments before clicking "curvy". Curvy chicks are okay, he reasons. He decides against overweight, and doesn't even consider the "BBW" option.

He decided this all in about 2 seconds.

And in that 2 seconds, you've been cut out of the equation.

He's never going to see your profile.

He's never going to see how amazing you are. How hot you are. The 15 thousand other things about you other than your size.

And all because you did the right thing and you were honest when you filled out your profile.

So............. what if you fudge it a little and put yourself as "a few extra pounds"? I mean, let's be real, 50 is not a few.

The bonus is that you will come up in a lot more searches. Hands down, more people are going to see your profile. They may reject you anyway, but you'll get a chance.

But when they see you or meet you, they might be a little frustrated. They are going to be thinking, "a few extra pounds? more like a few extra tons!". I wouldn't blame them for being miffed, and there is nothing worse than somebody who genuinely doesn't realize what they are (like the scrawny guys who list themselves as "buff").

So:

Honesty = fewer hits, if any at all.

Slightly fudge it = more hits who feel duped by your white lie

I do not know the answer to the question "What should I select, then?"

I personally believe in going with honesty. Yes, you will get fewer hits. Not many men on match.com search for obese women. That is a fact.

But the people who do find your profile are going to know up front who and what you are.

As a big girl or guy using a dating website, you are not going to be able to rely on people to come to you.

So... focus on QUALITY when attracting people TO YOU (by being honest in your answers).

But focus on QUANTITY when perusing people. Read and respond to as many profiles as you possibly can. It's just like applying for a job-- 99% of the time you won't even hear back from people (don't take it personally-- half the people you are e-mailing are not even paying members of the website you are on and thus can't read the e-mail you sent them), but that 1% of the time is all it takes to become employed.

Does this make sense?